Six Years is a very Long Time

It has now been six years since I lost my daughter.  That is a very painful subject to even write about.  I don't know if I should or if I shouldn't.  This is kind of supposed to be a blog about fashion, living life to the fullest, believing in the future etc. etc.  I really love that word etc.  It allows the writer to take all the unexplainable and put it into a three letter abbreviation. It's Latin. Et means ''and'' and cetera means ''the rest''.

So if I choose not to write about my daughter in my blog I feel as if I would be living a lie. Perhaps not. Is it necessary to reveal all things in a blog? Probably not and I would say most people don't. But in my case this is part of the fibre of my existence. Something that has shaped me and continues to do so. I also feel that I would be unfaithful in a way to her. Not to bring this up. Sometimes I feel that when I read other people's blogs that there is just too much hidden. It's like that old album title: "What's been did and what's been hid" I really love that because it is so true of life. Sometimes too much is hidden and although I don't wholeheartedly think that we need to say everything I think there is something to be said for honesty.

If a blog is a personal one and you are inviting your readers to share a bit about yourself then I feel there are things that do not necessarily have to be kept secret. In fact part of my intention with this blog is to help others achieve a hopefulness of spirit despite what they have experienced or are currently going through. I think that we can often gain strength from the efforts of those around us. Isn't that what humanity should be about? Supporting one another?

So really all I can say at this point is I am trying very hard to grab hold of life. To say to myself that others go through stuff equally as difficult and survive. I have always been an optimist so that helps. It helps me to focus on the beauty in life. But hey I cannot realistically say that this hasn't taken its toll on me. I am only human and it has been a rough road to be sure.

The other thing that I thought about these last few years is how we incorporate spirituality into our lives. I have tried to glean a bit of wisdom from each and every religion that I have chosen to read about. Essentially they all kind of point to the same things. However I have had some difficulty in understanding Buddhism. I really cannot live in the present moment at all times. I find that reliving memories of happier times is actually very helpful to me. And thinking about the future seems to be built into my DNA and always has been. So we all do what we can to better our lives.

There are special memories for me. I have posted a favourite photo taken on a tour of the steps in San Francisco. We travelled there as a family and I love this picture because I was in my element. With both of my girls. That was part of who I always felt I was destined to be. A mother. It was also an essential part of me and always will be.

For those of you out there that are facing obstacles. Keep the faith. That expression simply means to not lose hope in the face of uncertainty and difficulties. The human condition is made up of that. I find what has helped me the most is to focus on working. Working at something that you love of course. I have put a great deal of time and effort into my shop and enjoy every aspect of it. It has given me purpose and something to focus on. Of course I still have a day job too and also enjoy that as well.

Scandinavian people are pretty work oriented. It does really help to be busy. But not so busy that you don't have time to take care of yourself and others around you.

Here is my photo:

Exploring San Francisco 2002

Keeping the Faith 2012 on a ship to Stockholm

So really I guess what has brought me to this point in time is being hopeful. Still hopeful about the future. Yearning often for the past but understanding that we cannot go back in time. Sadly yes this is the case. But acceptance is the key to many things. Accepting things that we cannot change. And of course working to change things that we are capable of. Don't give up. I grew up with an expression in Finnish. That we can go through even a gray rock. I tried to look for it on the internet but could not find it. Perhaps it is Swedish and my Mum had a lot of Swedish expressions too. Or maybe she made it up? Anyway it must have had some influence on me as I am still standing.

Getting Stronger

Right now my goal is to get stronger.  I don't mean strong enough to lift a 100 lb sack of potatoes.  I mean strong enough to live my life.  As fully as I possibly can given what has happened to me.  I need to get stronger so that I can be healthier and therefore happier.  And by this I mean emotionally healthier too.  So I have started by going to the gym.  Well let's just say that I started back in October sometime or November (I think) and I was so enthusiastic that I went every day!  For several hours.  The old body just couldn't handle that kind of workout regime so my ankle became severely swollen and I was told it was probably stress fractures.  Now I say probably because I did not opt for the full body scan to prove this as I simply do not believe in running off to get fully radiated just for a swollen ankle.  Our bodies are equipped to heal themselves.  And so mine did.  Eventually.  And now I am back again!  Hurray!

So being back at the gym means going to lots of classes involving weights, mats, exercise balls, stretchy bands, and teachers that push you to do things you would only do half of on your own.  So that helps.  There is also state of the art equipment that you can work out on.  This is a whole new thing for me.  I have always exercised and gone to aerobics type classes but never did the equipment thing.  It's different.  But I can say one thing I know it will work.  To make me stronger and healthier.

So here's the thing.  Your life has beat you up somewhat.  Or lots like in my case.  So what do you do?  Lie down and die?  Give up? Well the temptation is there for some but really human beings are not meant to do that.  We are meant to keep surviving regardless of our circumstances.  In my case it is really awful...truly terrible.   But looking at the whole picture there really there are lots of good things too.  Like the people I love and the sunny days.  So what should I do then?  Give up?  No me thinks not.  So I am planning on doing the getting stronger bit.

The other thing I am planning to do is eat healthier and lose extra pounds.  Twenty to be exact.  (But really I am losing 30...even though it seems somewhat unrealistic...but hey what's a number....it's only 10 more and if it makes me feel better to say I am going to lose 30 then so what?)  It's my fat right?  Or call it blubber if you will.  Whatever you want to call it I need to lose it so that I can be healthier and let's not forget the looking better in your clothes bit.  There are lots of people who have lost 100 lbs so what is the big deal with 30!  Right so I have now convinced myself.

So instead of snacking on  chips and salsa tonight I had a dish of broccoli and orange pepper slices with homemade yogurt ranch dressing.  It filled me up!  I also had some cheese, peanut, pretzel mix from the grocer store.  But I was careful with this and had only a bit...  Then a big glass of milk for protein which helps to rebuild the muscles after working out.  So even though my legs are sore I am excited to see the results.  And anyway it gives me a goal.  Goals are very important when you are trying to rebuild a life.  And even if you're not we all need to focus on the good things right?  But just in case you think I am only going to focus on exercise and diet that's where you are wrong!  There are many other things that make this world go round and are worth doing!  But in order to do those other things well I need to get off my derriere and get into shape!

And maybe just writing it down will help me to stay motivated about this all.

The Fabric of our Lives

It has been a very very very long time since I posted anything on my blog. An eternity. My life has changed dramatically since those days of lilacs. I have experienced a huge tragedy in my life. Now from this I hope to inspire those that have faced adversity. Be it loss, illness, financial burdens, or whatever may trouble your weary soul. I want my posts to help others. If even for a few moments of your day when you read them.

Lately I go to random things to help me keep moving forward and living life. Sometimes it is as small as a piece of beautiful vintage fabric with a design I adore. Then with that comes the inspiration to create something of beauty. Or maybe just a palette of colours that can fit into your life, your home, your wardrobe, even your future. Sometimes we are drawn to certain patterns or colours as they reflect our lives or our memories. Did you ever have a favourite dress or shirt as a kid? I had a particular favourite. It was a blue floral pattern. It reminded me of the ocean and summer and happy days in California that seemingly went on forever. I wish I still had that dress or even the fabric from it.

But life is fleeting and complex and ever changing. Did we ever think that we would get to the place we are now? To whatever or wherever we are? I love to dip into the well of memories that was my childhood. The memories of travelling and seeing new places. A great and weary sadness has taken over my life so I need to relearn that childlike ability to find the joys of life. To eagerly anticipate the day. I need to do this in order to survive. Maybe together we can do this.